Journey to the Hiding Place

I think it's safe to say that whenever we are going through something we tend to fall into dark place. A place of loneliness, fear, anxiety and perhaps even frustration.   We all have that safe place where we go to to be alone.   I know for me my safe place these days has been either napping or in worship. I'll be honest it's been more napping.  I feel that when I nap or sleep all the pain goes away.  I don't have to deal with the loss of Baby Z.

This past Sunday I went back to church and at first I did not want to go.  I didn't want to face anyone, didn't want to feel the Holy Spirit and just didn't want to feel anything.  But I was encouraged by a Sister and she gave me the strength I needed.   I chose to put on my best smile, wore a dress and when I looked in the mirror I told myself I looked like I was going to a funeral.  Later did I know it all made sense.   When we arrived at church worship had already started.  My hands were shaking and I was trying so hard to hold back the tears.  I didn't want anyone to see my pain.   Of course God had other plans.  Max was so loving that morning and as I held him during worship I began to feel the pain, silently weeping and the tears just fell.   I felt my heart being ripped apart and being replaced with a new heart.  The tears just kept falling down and my arms just praised Him higher and higher.   There was a point when my whole body was shaking, my hands were hot and it was incredibly amazing!   Healing was taking place.  A wave of solitude took over in my spirit.  I just knew that my old self had died and God had renewed my heart and my mind.  

Does this mean that my grieving is over?  Absolutely not!   It just means that God has given me new strength, new purpose and I'm drawing deeper with Him.

Yesterday started off really good.    I got up, went back to work and everything was running smoothly.  Alex took Max to school, he went to the gym and Noah was napping.  I worked on a few things at home to get back into routine.  All of a sudden my anxiety went straight to the roof.  My heart rate was beating rapidly. I was sad, crying and I had to text Alex to come home.  Something triggered in my mind to make me feel fearful.  When Alex got home we went for a walk, it helped a little.  But I just told him I want to go to sleep.  Bless his heart because I knew that he wished he could do more...but he just let me napped.   It was my "safe place." When I woke up I felt groggy, angry and just didn't want to do anything.  Shortly after I received a text from my dear friend.  Just a dose of encouragement and knowing that I can be completely honest with her with no judgment.  She gave me exactly what my heart needed to hear.   Love You Silvia!

So, friends as you can see there are different stages of healing.  There is no time table.  There is no rush to heal.  Granted don't dwell too long in those bad feelings because it could cause deeper pain.  Feel all the Feels.  It's healthy.   Lean on your Faith.   Draw deeper.   Hide in His perfect PEACE.   God will bring the people at the right time.  And when they do come embrace the love, kindness and warmth.  We need a support system to help us through this difficult time.   I've been blessed with some amazing people who have helped me along the way.  If you don't have anyone, I am here for you.

I maybe smiling, posting away but just know I have my moments.  I'm still healing.  Still going through the process of it all.  Embracing all the support, friendships and family time.

One Day at a Time.
Put on your best smile.
Pray Hard.
Cry if you need to.
Heal.
One Day at a Time.

Reflect on Psalm 32:8 - Blessings!

Baby Z #3

It's been a whole week since we found at that we lost Baby Z.  I'll never forget the day I found out I was pregnant.  I'll never forget the day I found out I lost the baby.

My hands are literally shaking as I write this and tears are falling.  This is part of my healing.  And in order to heal I need to feel all the feels.  I'm hoping that writing will help or just release some of my heartache.  Maybe it'll help someone else.   So, here goes our story...

We have been trying for a little over a year but in the past six months we have been proactive on becoming pregnant.  We went on a Dream Vacation this Summer to the Bahamas and when we came home we learned that we weren't pregnant.   I just prayed everyday that God would bless us.  I got my health in order, made time with Alex and through it all it was fun.  Granted, sometimes it got stressful because it just wasn't happening. The Lord knew the heart of my desires.  Fast forward to a few weeks ago, Tuesday, October 25 I woke from a dream just full of JOY and pure excitement.  I can't describe it in words and as I write this I have those feelings that I felt that morning.  I remember calling Alex and telling him that I heard God voice and he spoke these words:   YOU WILL BE PREGNANT MY DAUGHTER!  It was surely a prophetic dream.   Then I got another sign on Thursday, October 27.  I was a stop light and all of a sudden I felt flutters in my stomach.  Like butterflies but baby kicks.  Indescribable!   Surely it was all from Heaven.   Then came Friday, October 28 where my heart grew fonder.  Two at home pregnancy tests revealed I WAS PREGNANT!!   I was so excited, nervous and just full of favor!  Our prayers have been answered.

Friday, November 11 I ended up in the ER due to spotting and pains.  Testing was done and I got to see Baby Z on the monitor (I wish I would have taken that photo).  I left with a sound mind knowing that Baby Z was completely fine.   Saturday evening everything changed!  Bleeding, cramping and in my heart I knew that had lost the Baby.  It wasn't fear or doubt.  I just knew.  I remember calling Alex into the room and we just sat on the bed, cried, prayed and found comfort in each other.   Guess you can say we kinda "prepared" our hearts.   Monday came and we went in to the doctors office.  Waited over an hour and after I boldly told the front desk I am miscarrying, I need to be seen!!   When my name was called and I walked in, door closed and my heart just shattered.  It was like going into the unknown but you already know.  It was an ugly feeling!  I started to cry when my vitals were being taken.  Went into the exam room, my OB came in and we discussed what was happening.  I laid on the bed and I all could hear was an echo.  I was crying so hard I couldn't even breathe.   Those words:  I am sorry.  Man, it took me to a place a woman never wants to hear.  We cried for a few moments, I got dressed and just stormed out of the office.  I couldn't breathe, my heart was broken into pieces and all I wanted was to see Max and Noah.  I was so ANGRY!!   How could this happen?   What did I do wrong?

Once I was home, the phone calls have been made and I was settled in bed I just cried out to Jesus!  I asked him to give me the strength.  Not once did I blame Him or question the visions He gave me weeks prior.   I don't know why this happen nor is it my place to question that.   Sometimes we have to go through these tough battles but in the end we will overcome.  We were made to be WARRIORS!   I do not know what God has in store for me and my family but all I know is that my FAITH in Him has grew immensely.   I wouldn't say I am glad I went through this but I am just glad that my FAITH is Strong.  If this was me six months ago I know that I would be in a different state.   I am not saying that everyday has been rainbows and unicorns.   I have my moments where I have completely broke down.  I have my moments where I'm full of joy.  I have my moments of do we keep trying.  I have my moments of solitude and silence.  I have my moments of releasing control.  I have my moments of surrender.  And I am enjoying every moment of this journey.   I don't know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future.  I will praise Him in this storm.  I will praise Him always.

Baby Z is my Angel and I will forever honor our son/daughter.  You were loved deeply and one day we will all be together.  You have two beautiful brothers named Max and Noah.  Daddy and I will forever keep you alive in our hearts.  Dance with the angels baby!  Mommy Loves You!

When I decided to share our story publicly, I knew that I did not want to hide.  Studies have shown that 1 in 4 women will miscarry.  I want to be a voice for those that have lost a child.  I want to spread awareness. I want my story to bring them HOPE.  Some may say I am brave for sharing my story but truthfully I just want to show others that you too will get through it.  Have faith and let yourself grieve.  You are Brave.

If you feel compelled to share this, I would hope that you do.  We just never know who might need to read this.  Perhaps you know someone who's lost a child.  Maybe they need to be reminded of their bravery.  Maybe they need to know they are not alone.  Maybe they need a dose of Hope.

Thank You for reading.   God Bless.

Thank You 2015

As I woke up this morning I though to myself "Hmm this is my last ‪#‎CoffeeandJesus‬ of 2015, what does Papa have to say?"  I got up, got the boys settled with breakfast and poured a cup of coffee.  I knew my heart was craving Him - Consuming Fire!   Most of the time I have a devotional or something I want to read on. But this morning was different.  

I opened up an email from a Christian group that I follow.  The message was on Criticism.   My first thoughts were this doesn't apply to me.   HA!  I was wrong.    

Although I am still a work in progress it wouldn't hurt to learn a thing or two.  As I started to read I thought WOW this is good!  

I'm usually the one speaking life into others, being an encourager and I know when to keep my mouth shut (most of the time HA). However sometimes I have a hard time being on the other side. Somebody always has something to say!  And it can stir up my flesh. 

The Father gave me a good word: Instead of trying to defend myself, I should simply be a witness of LOVE, GRACE and MERCY of Jesus!    WOW!!!!!! 

I thought to myself yeah why not?? Why not show love and grace! It's not my battle!

{A few scriptures to soak in}

Luke 21:13-14
Peter 3:9
Proverbs 30:5

I got into my worship and the perfect song came on:  Consuming Fire by Christ for the Nations.  The lyrics spoke to my heart with so much Joy!  I don't have to live this way.  All the things that blind me can be seen with Him.  My heart should be to Live for Him....even where there is that one person.  

So, friends wherever you are on your journey I would encourage you spend time today and see what the Father wants to show you. You know where you need to improve on and He knows your heart.

Personally for me 2015 has been a year of spiritual growth. Many ups and downs, life lessons, forgiveness, learned Grace is already within me, celebrated 10 years of marriage with Alex, celebrated motherhood by giving birth to Noah, seeing Maximus personality shine, healing with my mother, rode a roller coaster, got a new job at our local gym, excelled in my Beachbody business, established strong friendships, many memories with family and much more!  

I've learned so much about myself and what He wants for my life.  I know longer have to live in guilt, shame or condemnation.  I am simply live here Heaven on Earth.

The most important job that I will ever have is being a Mother.  This year I learned many things on motherhood, parenthood and my identity.  Clearly, IG thinks so too! 

I have many goals for 2016 and it will require hard work, consistency and faith.

My Goals for 2016
My #1 is to draw closer to Him and continue to make Him center in my life.  Enjoy life with my family.  Be content where I am. Don't be so hard on myself. Show Love & Compassion (Even when others don't deserve it).  Financial Freedom.  Blog More. Help others. Travel. Drink Coffee (Less Mugs HA).  Read. Be a child with the boys.  Grow in our community.  Pray Hard. Live each day to the fullest.  SMILE through it all!   

What are your goals?

Happy New Year Friends!

❤I look forward to sharing more of our hearts in 2016 and growing together in the Kingdom.Happy New Year 

It Is Well

Do you ever wonder how did you go through the day being in survival mode?   Not eating...barely drinking enough water and too much caffeine.   I guess we can call it #MOMLIFE!

Today has been a blur from the minute I woke up to the minute I sat down and had lunch.   I woke up late for starters, then Noah was coughing all night long and I just knew I needed to take him in.   Dropped the boys off at a friends house, drove the gym to teach my Senior fit class and then pick up Noah for our doctor's appointment.   The whole time I just keep praying that he doesn't have croup or any other yucky virus.   Come to found out he had a simple cold.  Bonus:  He weighs a good ole 20lbs - He is a healthy baby!   The funny thing is the whole time he is being checked out by the doctor he just kept smiling.   As I looked at him I thought WOW! Here he is in his man bun smiling away!  

I thought to myself, "Angela, where is your faith!"   Shouldn't we have faith like a child? 

Afterwards as I was driving home I just started to cry.  And thinking to myself "If only I would have nursed him longer he wouldn't be sick all the time."   When I nursed Maximus, we went for 16 months and not one time did he get sick during that time.  {Granted, I am fully aware that each child is different and they are bound to get sick.}  

So, here I was driving home in defeat.   All the could haves, should haves were crossing my mind.   Then quickly I heard the Father's voice tell me, "Daughter you did your very best.  Stop shaming yourself!"  I could feel him right next to me...just as he always is.    I came inside to put Noah down for a nap, settled Max for his nap and got into my word.  I put on my worship music and the song It is Well by Bethel Music came on and BOOM!!!   Holy Spirit in full effect!   A tangible feeling came over me and I was again wrapped in His arms.  I wept and just saturated in His presence.  Perhaps this is what my soul needed.

I was reminded of all the good things that I have done for my children.  All the laughter, all the milestones, all the late nights, all the feedings, all the diaper changes, all the laundry, all the dirty bottles and everything motherhood includes.  I'm sharing this because I want to encourage someone not to feel any less of a mother because something didn't go as planned.  We never know why things workout the way they do. But just know that you are not a BAD MOM.  You are a beautiful mother who loves and would do anything for your children.   Don't let the enemy lie to you or shame you.   Instead pick yourself up, listen to the Father's voice and continue on this beautiful journey.  

You are a blessed mama!

Heart of Gratitude

As sweet November comes to an end I just want to spend a few moments and share my heart.   This month has been full of growth, perseverance, hard lessons, heartache, laughter and victory! Sweet memories with friends and family.  I've accomplished things that I never thought I could.  I've challenged myself in many ways.  I've set out daily intentions to make myself better as a person.  I've had fail forward moments.  I'm celebrating life. 

I believe that in order to grow as a person we must challenge our hearts.  We are not meant to live on earth and have a mediocre mentality.  I understand that sometimes we can let fear, hurts or simply our past affect our future.  The flip side is we should know that we are made for Greatness.

I just want to recap on a few events that has made me a stronger person....

• Taking a trip to Six Flags with my friends and riding roller coasters!   Mind you I have never rode a roller coaster in my life. I was incredibly fearful of them!  Although I did cry on one ride - yes I CRIED - I still overcame a huge fear.   They have a ride called 'Goliath' and I knew that when I would get on that ride I would be DAVID!   The ride can be intense because it feels like forever to reach the top and when you do it has the biggest drop ever!    But it was so liberating to open my eyes and put my hands up in the air!  I have to say that when I overcame that fear I felt like a brand new person!   ***FREEDOM***  It was and still is a big milestone in my life. Sure it might not be huge to some but I remind myself it's not their journey...IT IS MINE.   And that is something that we need to constantly tell ourselves. It's our journey and we will always face a Goliath.   In that journey I am glad that I had Alex and my friends to encourage me, love on me and just bring a new side of me out.   Thank You Sweet Friends.

• Taking a fitness class at the gym!   This has been a huge shift in my fitness journey.   For the past few years I have always worked out at home or outdoors. I disliked going to the gym for various reasons but now that I am teaching at our local gym I have really come out of my comfort zone.  Week after week I have grown to love the gym.  The atmosphere, the encouragement, belonging to a community and just knowing that we can all make a difference in some one's life.  I met up with my friends and joined them in spinning!  It was fun, sweaty and it challenged my endurance physically and spiritually.  What I appreciate about it all is that it's OK to try new things.  Again, we are not to live in a bubble.   Fitness has such a wide perceptive and there are so many fun things to do.  Why should we be setting limits on ourselves?  We should want to challenge ourselves whether it's taking a class, increasing our weight in weights or signing up for a 5k.   Now that I am teaching at a gym that I LOVE it has taught me many things.  Thank You Students for inspiring me. 

• Taking on potty training!   Max has been 4 weeks in with potty training and I am so PROUD of him!!  We definitely had out moments, days that seemed like it would never get better.  But as the days progressed, our patience grew we are almost at the finish line.   This journey has taught me that what worked for the other mama might not work for me.  There's so much good/bad information out there on potty training that it can make us feel overwhelmed.  We've had tremendous amount of support from our family, friends, Max's preschool teacher and Alex.  It's true when they say it takes a village to raise tiny humans.  Today Max went to the potty ALL ON HIS OWN!  We didn't have to ask him a million times and accidents are no longer happening.  Our next step is going out with undies on.   One step at a time - One task at a time. Max has taught me patience, love, comfort and humor!   I've never cleaned up some many accidents in my life and I'm not done...Noah ROUND 2!!  Do your best and forget the rest. Thank You Maximus for teaching mommy Grace.  

November has been an eventful month with life long lessons.  I am so thankful to all that have continued to support my journey, thankful to those that have prayed for me, thankful to all my challengers, thankful to my team, thankful to my followers and thankful for my community.   

Without faith I could not be where I am today.  In life we are going to stumble, fall flat on our faces, have heartache, hard lessons but through it all we must pick ourselves off.  Life is full of seasons and we must embrace them all.   November was sweet and I am looking forward to the next season of JOY...December.

Strong and Fearless. 

Overcomer

God truly has a sense of humor.  As I was de-cluttering yesterday I came across an old journal dated back to 2011.  As I was reading a journal entry to Alex tears started to run down my face.  They were tears of FREEDOM.  Because I have been set free from so many things and this entry was a refreshing reminder to keep pressing forward.  I felt it in my spirit to share my journal entry to remind us all that growth happens even when we don't feel like it has.


December 30, 2011

Well it's time to wrap up 2011 and start a New Year - New Season in 2012.  This year has been an amazing year.  I've laughed, cried,  spiritually grown, overcame fears and I have inspired many.  I became a certified TRX trainer, CPR certified, ran two half marathons, multiple 10k's, logged over 100 miles and became lean.   I even had the opportunity to travel to LA for Beachbody's Annual Coach Summit to become a better Fitness Coach.  I also learned not to travel without Alex.  I learned that in order for my clients to succeed I must set the example.  My marriage became stronger by attending marriage courses at church.  My walk with the Lord is stronger.  My mom and grandma accepted Jesus Christ and my prayer is they become stronger in their relationship with Him.  My friendships have taught me many lessons.  I've learned that every person I come in encounter with is not my new best friend.  I've learned that every person I meet is for a season.  God determines the length of the season.  Some will hurt. Some will grow.  But a lesson is always to be taught.  I've learned to let certain things especially when it comes to people pleasing.  As long as I accept that, be happy for others by showing love will take me to a place of inner peace.   I've also learned that my past DOES NOT define me!  My trials become my VICTORIES!  I am no longer going to allow people to treat me poorly and if something negative is spoken I will forgive, pray and move press forward.   

I also learned that I LOVE to spend money!  Which is not a good thing. But we have been able to pay off a few credit cards.  Our goal is to be debt free by 2012!  

I've experienced so much and I grew in many ways.  This was all done by the GRACE, LOVE & STRENGTH from the Lord.  He is my mentor, my trainer and my provider.  2011 you have been very good to and I am ready for 2012. 

Highlights of 2011:
1 Year Anniversary of Pink Ladies Boot-camp
Our first fitness photo-shoot
Oxygen Fitness Magazine submission
Hiked The Pinnacles
PLBC Brand Merchandise
Paid off a few credit cards
Vacation at Sanctuary Beach with Alex
Made a PR at the San Jose Rock and Roll Half-Marathon
Featured on the Dirty Bombshells Blog
Memories with my family
Attended Joel Osteen and witnessed a friend get saved

As I look back on the year and I remember it very clear but the one word that came to me was:  OVERCOMER!   Yes!  I am an overcomer!  I look at those trails I went through and it only made me stronger.   I don't regret anything.  For instance seeing my mother get saved still brings me HOPE!  My friendships have changed but I honor those friendships.  In fact I am a better friend today. I'm no longer a people's pleaser - although the enemy loves to remind me.   I'm inspired to get back to running.

Darkness can not stand!   Most importantly my FAITH is so much stronger!   That right there speaks a thousand words!  He is the HIGHER POWER!  I am no longer bound by sin!    So, yes I face challenges, yes I have been hurt, yes I have made some mistakes but I know I am not that woman I was in 2011.  I am NOT my past!   I am striving everyday to be a better person.  

I pray that this would be a fresh reminder to you of your past and to let you know YOU ARE AN OVERCOMER!   Forgive - Don't Hold on to Yesterdays Sorrows - Honor your Friendships - Go After Your Goals - Work Hard - Be Proud of Yourself - Pray Deeply - LOVE THE LORD.

I am Fearfully and Wonderfully Made - Psalm 139:14

#CoffeeandJesus - Happy Monday

We had a long night as parents.  Felt like we were waking up every hour. Noah woke up at 6am to be nursed and all I kept thinking was hurry so mama can go back to sleep.  God was tugging on my heart to finish nursing and then spend time with Him.  I fought my flesh and eventually He won.  Monday's can be challenging in our home because Alex is home and it's our day to rest and prep for the week. A million things were running in my head and a constant TO DO LIST! 

It just sometimes feels like it's never ending and can feel overwhelming especially when you are tired.  But as I sat outside studying I just kept being reminded to take it easy.  I don't have to do it all, I don't have to always be on top of things and truly at the end of it all my only job is to PLEASE HIM.  

As I been learning more about who I am I'm also learning I can sometimes be a people pleaser. Making sure I lead my challengers and team of Coaches. Making sure I spend enough time with my children. Squeezing time for my husband. Making sure I respond to all emails/texts.  Sometimes I even put myself on the back burner because by time I get to me I'm exhausted and all I want to do is plop.  But I know that doesn't make me feel good.  It all comes down to that infamous word: FAIL! 

Failing as a mother, wife, leader and Daughter of the King!  Ugh as I write that my stomach trembles. Trembles because I've worked so hard to be the woman I am today and to think I've given the enemy a dose of it makes me mad.  He wants me to fail. Wants me to be a people pleaser. Wants to see me weak.  

To top it off I been asked to speak at our women's bible study.  Of course the enemy is trying to put thoughts into my mind of DEFEAT. 

Guess what! The enemy has been defeated!  I fought my flesh, poured myself a cup of coffee and came outside to study. As I was reading I couldn't let the words soak in.  All I kept hearing is  DO YOU TRUST ME?  HAVE I EVER FAILED YOU?  I just started writing and here I am.  I'm sharing this with you because I know how challenging it can be to juggle it all. Sometimes we are being pulled in a million directions.  We think we are on the right track and then BOOM we get thrown off. Maybe not even something serious but it happens.  This is the time when we need to step back and take a look at our lives.  Are we pushing and working hard for man?  Or are we pushing and working hard for Jesus?   I don't know about you but I want to work hard for Jesus...not be too busy or to tired to spend time with Him, speak life into a friend or pray with someone.   I think as women we are to hard on ourselves and we can often get caught up in our ways. But I'm here to tell you to slow down, reevaluate things, schedule your #CoffeeandJesus time, learn how to say NO and live simple ❤️

You see my life, my struggles and my strengths and I'm human just like you.  I don't have it all together and I'm OK with that. I gave up perfection a long time ago.  I only want to bring HOPE to others.  Jesus is my ANCHOR.  He guides me daily. He transforms my heart.  He leads me.  

As we embark on this new week what can you let go?  How can we give God an expression of Praise? 

For me I'm willing to just be in the moment.  I'm letting go of people pleasing.  I'm going to focus on the things I did get done. I'm going to study so I can minister to the ladies on Wednesday. I'm going to let Jesus Take the Wheel ❤️

Sisters, we can do this but we must let our flesh die.  Are you willing?

Strong and Fearless!