Journey to the Hiding Place

I think it's safe to say that whenever we are going through something we tend to fall into dark place. A place of loneliness, fear, anxiety and perhaps even frustration.   We all have that safe place where we go to to be alone.   I know for me my safe place these days has been either napping or in worship. I'll be honest it's been more napping.  I feel that when I nap or sleep all the pain goes away.  I don't have to deal with the loss of Baby Z.

This past Sunday I went back to church and at first I did not want to go.  I didn't want to face anyone, didn't want to feel the Holy Spirit and just didn't want to feel anything.  But I was encouraged by a Sister and she gave me the strength I needed.   I chose to put on my best smile, wore a dress and when I looked in the mirror I told myself I looked like I was going to a funeral.  Later did I know it all made sense.   When we arrived at church worship had already started.  My hands were shaking and I was trying so hard to hold back the tears.  I didn't want anyone to see my pain.   Of course God had other plans.  Max was so loving that morning and as I held him during worship I began to feel the pain, silently weeping and the tears just fell.   I felt my heart being ripped apart and being replaced with a new heart.  The tears just kept falling down and my arms just praised Him higher and higher.   There was a point when my whole body was shaking, my hands were hot and it was incredibly amazing!   Healing was taking place.  A wave of solitude took over in my spirit.  I just knew that my old self had died and God had renewed my heart and my mind.  

Does this mean that my grieving is over?  Absolutely not!   It just means that God has given me new strength, new purpose and I'm drawing deeper with Him.

Yesterday started off really good.    I got up, went back to work and everything was running smoothly.  Alex took Max to school, he went to the gym and Noah was napping.  I worked on a few things at home to get back into routine.  All of a sudden my anxiety went straight to the roof.  My heart rate was beating rapidly. I was sad, crying and I had to text Alex to come home.  Something triggered in my mind to make me feel fearful.  When Alex got home we went for a walk, it helped a little.  But I just told him I want to go to sleep.  Bless his heart because I knew that he wished he could do more...but he just let me napped.   It was my "safe place." When I woke up I felt groggy, angry and just didn't want to do anything.  Shortly after I received a text from my dear friend.  Just a dose of encouragement and knowing that I can be completely honest with her with no judgment.  She gave me exactly what my heart needed to hear.   Love You Silvia!

So, friends as you can see there are different stages of healing.  There is no time table.  There is no rush to heal.  Granted don't dwell too long in those bad feelings because it could cause deeper pain.  Feel all the Feels.  It's healthy.   Lean on your Faith.   Draw deeper.   Hide in His perfect PEACE.   God will bring the people at the right time.  And when they do come embrace the love, kindness and warmth.  We need a support system to help us through this difficult time.   I've been blessed with some amazing people who have helped me along the way.  If you don't have anyone, I am here for you.

I maybe smiling, posting away but just know I have my moments.  I'm still healing.  Still going through the process of it all.  Embracing all the support, friendships and family time.

One Day at a Time.
Put on your best smile.
Pray Hard.
Cry if you need to.
Heal.
One Day at a Time.

Reflect on Psalm 32:8 - Blessings!