My hands are literally shaking as I write this and tears are falling. This is part of my healing. And in order to heal I need to feel all the feels. I'm hoping that writing will help or just release some of my heartache. Maybe it'll help someone else. So, here goes our story...
We have been trying for a little over a year but in the past six months we have been proactive on becoming pregnant. We went on a Dream Vacation this Summer to the Bahamas and when we came home we learned that we weren't pregnant. I just prayed everyday that God would bless us. I got my health in order, made time with Alex and through it all it was fun. Granted, sometimes it got stressful because it just wasn't happening. The Lord knew the heart of my desires. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, Tuesday, October 25 I woke from a dream just full of JOY and pure excitement. I can't describe it in words and as I write this I have those feelings that I felt that morning. I remember calling Alex and telling him that I heard God voice and he spoke these words: YOU WILL BE PREGNANT MY DAUGHTER! It was surely a prophetic dream. Then I got another sign on Thursday, October 27. I was a stop light and all of a sudden I felt flutters in my stomach. Like butterflies but baby kicks. Indescribable! Surely it was all from Heaven. Then came Friday, October 28 where my heart grew fonder. Two at home pregnancy tests revealed I WAS PREGNANT!! I was so excited, nervous and just full of favor! Our prayers have been answered.
Friday, November 11 I ended up in the ER due to spotting and pains. Testing was done and I got to see Baby Z on the monitor (I wish I would have taken that photo). I left with a sound mind knowing that Baby Z was completely fine. Saturday evening everything changed! Bleeding, cramping and in my heart I knew that had lost the Baby. It wasn't fear or doubt. I just knew. I remember calling Alex into the room and we just sat on the bed, cried, prayed and found comfort in each other. Guess you can say we kinda "prepared" our hearts. Monday came and we went in to the doctors office. Waited over an hour and after I boldly told the front desk I am miscarrying, I need to be seen!! When my name was called and I walked in, door closed and my heart just shattered. It was like going into the unknown but you already know. It was an ugly feeling! I started to cry when my vitals were being taken. Went into the exam room, my OB came in and we discussed what was happening. I laid on the bed and I all could hear was an echo. I was crying so hard I couldn't even breathe. Those words: I am sorry. Man, it took me to a place a woman never wants to hear. We cried for a few moments, I got dressed and just stormed out of the office. I couldn't breathe, my heart was broken into pieces and all I wanted was to see Max and Noah. I was so ANGRY!! How could this happen? What did I do wrong?
Once I was home, the phone calls have been made and I was settled in bed I just cried out to Jesus! I asked him to give me the strength. Not once did I blame Him or question the visions He gave me weeks prior. I don't know why this happen nor is it my place to question that. Sometimes we have to go through these tough battles but in the end we will overcome. We were made to be WARRIORS! I do not know what God has in store for me and my family but all I know is that my FAITH in Him has grew immensely. I wouldn't say I am glad I went through this but I am just glad that my FAITH is Strong. If this was me six months ago I know that I would be in a different state. I am not saying that everyday has been rainbows and unicorns. I have my moments where I have completely broke down. I have my moments where I'm full of joy. I have my moments of do we keep trying. I have my moments of solitude and silence. I have my moments of releasing control. I have my moments of surrender. And I am enjoying every moment of this journey. I don't know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future. I will praise Him in this storm. I will praise Him always.
Baby Z is my Angel and I will forever honor our son/daughter. You were loved deeply and one day we will all be together. You have two beautiful brothers named Max and Noah. Daddy and I will forever keep you alive in our hearts. Dance with the angels baby! Mommy Loves You!
When I decided to share our story publicly, I knew that I did not want to hide. Studies have shown that 1 in 4 women will miscarry. I want to be a voice for those that have lost a child. I want to spread awareness. I want my story to bring them HOPE. Some may say I am brave for sharing my story but truthfully I just want to show others that you too will get through it. Have faith and let yourself grieve. You are Brave.
If you feel compelled to share this, I would hope that you do. We just never know who might need to read this. Perhaps you know someone who's lost a child. Maybe they need to be reminded of their bravery. Maybe they need to know they are not alone. Maybe they need a dose of Hope.
Thank You for reading. God Bless.
No comments:
Post a Comment