Journey to the Hiding Place

I think it's safe to say that whenever we are going through something we tend to fall into dark place. A place of loneliness, fear, anxiety and perhaps even frustration.   We all have that safe place where we go to to be alone.   I know for me my safe place these days has been either napping or in worship. I'll be honest it's been more napping.  I feel that when I nap or sleep all the pain goes away.  I don't have to deal with the loss of Baby Z.

This past Sunday I went back to church and at first I did not want to go.  I didn't want to face anyone, didn't want to feel the Holy Spirit and just didn't want to feel anything.  But I was encouraged by a Sister and she gave me the strength I needed.   I chose to put on my best smile, wore a dress and when I looked in the mirror I told myself I looked like I was going to a funeral.  Later did I know it all made sense.   When we arrived at church worship had already started.  My hands were shaking and I was trying so hard to hold back the tears.  I didn't want anyone to see my pain.   Of course God had other plans.  Max was so loving that morning and as I held him during worship I began to feel the pain, silently weeping and the tears just fell.   I felt my heart being ripped apart and being replaced with a new heart.  The tears just kept falling down and my arms just praised Him higher and higher.   There was a point when my whole body was shaking, my hands were hot and it was incredibly amazing!   Healing was taking place.  A wave of solitude took over in my spirit.  I just knew that my old self had died and God had renewed my heart and my mind.  

Does this mean that my grieving is over?  Absolutely not!   It just means that God has given me new strength, new purpose and I'm drawing deeper with Him.

Yesterday started off really good.    I got up, went back to work and everything was running smoothly.  Alex took Max to school, he went to the gym and Noah was napping.  I worked on a few things at home to get back into routine.  All of a sudden my anxiety went straight to the roof.  My heart rate was beating rapidly. I was sad, crying and I had to text Alex to come home.  Something triggered in my mind to make me feel fearful.  When Alex got home we went for a walk, it helped a little.  But I just told him I want to go to sleep.  Bless his heart because I knew that he wished he could do more...but he just let me napped.   It was my "safe place." When I woke up I felt groggy, angry and just didn't want to do anything.  Shortly after I received a text from my dear friend.  Just a dose of encouragement and knowing that I can be completely honest with her with no judgment.  She gave me exactly what my heart needed to hear.   Love You Silvia!

So, friends as you can see there are different stages of healing.  There is no time table.  There is no rush to heal.  Granted don't dwell too long in those bad feelings because it could cause deeper pain.  Feel all the Feels.  It's healthy.   Lean on your Faith.   Draw deeper.   Hide in His perfect PEACE.   God will bring the people at the right time.  And when they do come embrace the love, kindness and warmth.  We need a support system to help us through this difficult time.   I've been blessed with some amazing people who have helped me along the way.  If you don't have anyone, I am here for you.

I maybe smiling, posting away but just know I have my moments.  I'm still healing.  Still going through the process of it all.  Embracing all the support, friendships and family time.

One Day at a Time.
Put on your best smile.
Pray Hard.
Cry if you need to.
Heal.
One Day at a Time.

Reflect on Psalm 32:8 - Blessings!

Baby Z #3

It's been a whole week since we found at that we lost Baby Z.  I'll never forget the day I found out I was pregnant.  I'll never forget the day I found out I lost the baby.

My hands are literally shaking as I write this and tears are falling.  This is part of my healing.  And in order to heal I need to feel all the feels.  I'm hoping that writing will help or just release some of my heartache.  Maybe it'll help someone else.   So, here goes our story...

We have been trying for a little over a year but in the past six months we have been proactive on becoming pregnant.  We went on a Dream Vacation this Summer to the Bahamas and when we came home we learned that we weren't pregnant.   I just prayed everyday that God would bless us.  I got my health in order, made time with Alex and through it all it was fun.  Granted, sometimes it got stressful because it just wasn't happening. The Lord knew the heart of my desires.  Fast forward to a few weeks ago, Tuesday, October 25 I woke from a dream just full of JOY and pure excitement.  I can't describe it in words and as I write this I have those feelings that I felt that morning.  I remember calling Alex and telling him that I heard God voice and he spoke these words:   YOU WILL BE PREGNANT MY DAUGHTER!  It was surely a prophetic dream.   Then I got another sign on Thursday, October 27.  I was a stop light and all of a sudden I felt flutters in my stomach.  Like butterflies but baby kicks.  Indescribable!   Surely it was all from Heaven.   Then came Friday, October 28 where my heart grew fonder.  Two at home pregnancy tests revealed I WAS PREGNANT!!   I was so excited, nervous and just full of favor!  Our prayers have been answered.

Friday, November 11 I ended up in the ER due to spotting and pains.  Testing was done and I got to see Baby Z on the monitor (I wish I would have taken that photo).  I left with a sound mind knowing that Baby Z was completely fine.   Saturday evening everything changed!  Bleeding, cramping and in my heart I knew that had lost the Baby.  It wasn't fear or doubt.  I just knew.  I remember calling Alex into the room and we just sat on the bed, cried, prayed and found comfort in each other.   Guess you can say we kinda "prepared" our hearts.   Monday came and we went in to the doctors office.  Waited over an hour and after I boldly told the front desk I am miscarrying, I need to be seen!!   When my name was called and I walked in, door closed and my heart just shattered.  It was like going into the unknown but you already know.  It was an ugly feeling!  I started to cry when my vitals were being taken.  Went into the exam room, my OB came in and we discussed what was happening.  I laid on the bed and I all could hear was an echo.  I was crying so hard I couldn't even breathe.   Those words:  I am sorry.  Man, it took me to a place a woman never wants to hear.  We cried for a few moments, I got dressed and just stormed out of the office.  I couldn't breathe, my heart was broken into pieces and all I wanted was to see Max and Noah.  I was so ANGRY!!   How could this happen?   What did I do wrong?

Once I was home, the phone calls have been made and I was settled in bed I just cried out to Jesus!  I asked him to give me the strength.  Not once did I blame Him or question the visions He gave me weeks prior.   I don't know why this happen nor is it my place to question that.   Sometimes we have to go through these tough battles but in the end we will overcome.  We were made to be WARRIORS!   I do not know what God has in store for me and my family but all I know is that my FAITH in Him has grew immensely.   I wouldn't say I am glad I went through this but I am just glad that my FAITH is Strong.  If this was me six months ago I know that I would be in a different state.   I am not saying that everyday has been rainbows and unicorns.   I have my moments where I have completely broke down.  I have my moments where I'm full of joy.  I have my moments of do we keep trying.  I have my moments of solitude and silence.  I have my moments of releasing control.  I have my moments of surrender.  And I am enjoying every moment of this journey.   I don't know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future.  I will praise Him in this storm.  I will praise Him always.

Baby Z is my Angel and I will forever honor our son/daughter.  You were loved deeply and one day we will all be together.  You have two beautiful brothers named Max and Noah.  Daddy and I will forever keep you alive in our hearts.  Dance with the angels baby!  Mommy Loves You!

When I decided to share our story publicly, I knew that I did not want to hide.  Studies have shown that 1 in 4 women will miscarry.  I want to be a voice for those that have lost a child.  I want to spread awareness. I want my story to bring them HOPE.  Some may say I am brave for sharing my story but truthfully I just want to show others that you too will get through it.  Have faith and let yourself grieve.  You are Brave.

If you feel compelled to share this, I would hope that you do.  We just never know who might need to read this.  Perhaps you know someone who's lost a child.  Maybe they need to be reminded of their bravery.  Maybe they need to know they are not alone.  Maybe they need a dose of Hope.

Thank You for reading.   God Bless.