First I just want to share that I woke up today a PROUD MOMMY! It's been four months of exclusive breastfeeding for Maximus. Time sure flies by. But I am loving every moment that we have. From the 4am pumping sessions to the moments that I need to nurse in public. Today I actually NIP without a cover! We were on our Mommy and Me walk and Max got hungry. I just said screw it! LOL! Too bad I didn't snap a picture but I have the memory in my heart. But prior to our walk I got a phone call from my mom. I haven't talked to her in over a month - it's been hard at times. There are moments that I need her and wish that she was part of this new journey. She is going through her own struggles which I understand so I try not to be selfish. But after I hung up I just started crying and wished that I could do more. I called Alex to pray for me and of course his wisdom helped.
My relationship with my mom isn't the best. We've struggled to have that mother-daughter bond but as I get older I'm starting to realize we may never have that. She's not a bad person and in fact she has one of the biggest hearts. I just wish that I could call her and tell her I need her. I guess if I did she would. I know she is proud of me of all that I have accomplished. For 32 years I've always wanted my "mommy'. Maybe she'll read this maybe she won't. But mom if you are I just want you to know that I LOVE YOU, Max loves you and I pray everyday we will have the relationship we are meant to have.
When I look at Max all I can do is either SMILE and cry tears of JOY! It's such a blessing being able to be a mother. I grew up with my grandma - not having a relationship with my real father (still don't) and just going thru many hardships that still effect me today. I spent most of my relationship with Alex dreading having kids. We used to argue all the time about it. I vowed that I would NEVER have kids!! HA! Clearly I was wrong. God had other plans for me. I am so THANKFUL for his everlasting love and grace. Without it I know that I been divorced and miserable.
As I type this tears are rolling down my face - told ya it would be deep! But what I am saying is if you have a good relationship with your parents HONOR them! If you don't and it's worth fixing do it. I know that some things are out of our control but it's def worth a shot. Life is too short to have relationships that could be something good. I'm glad that I am a better relationship with my sister. We are closer than ever and she loves Max so much. It's all due to prayer. And I know that my prayers about my mom will be answered. I just have to step aside and let God do his work. It hurts me knowing she is missing out on Max but I tell her everyday who she is. Maybe he understands - maybe he doesn't but I will be sure to let him know who she is.
Motherhood has changed me in many ways. I wake up everyday grateful and I appreciate all that I have. I've grown spiritually and the things that would bug me no longer bug me. My relationships with friends have changed but new ones have came in. I love being a mommy and I work hard everyday to give Max everything his heart needs. Not material things but love, prayer and wisdom. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to be the kid that is not going to be shy when I walk him to school. I want him to know I'm doing everything I can to give him a good life. I want him to know that I love his daddy with all my heart. Max, I want you to be a reflection of me and your daddy! Everything we do we do for you!! Mommy will always be your number 1 girl in your life. When you read this you'll know that we spent lots of time together. Thank You Son!
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