Now here we are 11 weeks in and the game has changed! He's gassy (could have a slight colic issues), eating every 2 hours, NO SLEEP and my pumping milk supply has dropped. I went pumping from 8oz a day to 1oz! How? What I first thought was stress but now it's just my body changing once again. You might be wondering why I'm pumping since I'm home with him. I have a few trips this year and he won't be coming along. So he needs milk! Yes, I have 60 bags of stored milk but it's that mother instinct that kicks in and we think it's not enough. Can we talk about pressure! HAHA! So, Saturday Noah was constantly crying which stressed me out which lead me to pump nothing....not a drop. I felt like a complete failure. I had sent a message to my family crying cause I missed them. I knew it was not as simple for them to drop what they were doing to come help - although my grandma extended her heart to me to drive up for a few hours. But I didn't want to burden her.
After trying to figure it out my way I had finally reached out for HELP! Now this is big for me. I'm not one to ask for help. I've been blessed to have a circle of friends who I can count on and the Lord knew who to bring my way that day. The support, words of encouragement and prayers helped tremendously. Never knew how much an impact it could make by asking "What Do I Do?" But it would also require me to put my pride aside and do what's best for Noah. Since he was so gassy and crying my instincts were he was hungry and tired. It led down to one thing: Supplementing. When I heard that my heart broke, A million things were running in my mind and I couldn't breathe. All I could think of our breastfeeding journey has ended. I failed! I just about died. I looked at Alex with tears in his eyes and he reminded me it is not over! I'm a Daughter of the King, you are not a quitter but you have to humble yourself. At that pivotal moment I just wanted to throw the bottles of formula in his face! But I knew he was right and it was no longer about me.
That evening by the grace of God I was able to pump 3oz and we gave Noah a bottle of formula. We all got some rest, Noah was no longer crying and we overcame! But that I also had a sense of peace in my heart. The Lord will not fail me. I learned to trust in Him more.
I'm not against formula and I respect mothers who can't nurse their babies so please don't misunderstand my feelings. As I mentioned earlier I had to put my pride to the side and give Noah formula and I am glad I did. I know many mothers who've supplemented with both and their babies are healthy. I know many mothers who exclusively breastfed and their babies are healthy. I know many mothers who've only formula fed their babies and are healthy. It's not about who is better...it's simply about coming together with a pure heart and help another mama out. Because truly at the end of the day we all need that support!
I'm very passionate about breastfeeding and will continue to share our journey but I have a whole new respect for the mothers who couldn't continue their journey. I now know what it feels like to want to give up. I now know how those feel when it got stressful. I now understand why sometimes it just does not work. You are not a failure. You gave your all. You deserve to have peace. You're babies deserve to feel comforted.
Now you might wondering where we stand...well we are still nursing. Last night we supplemented again. I woke up able to pump 5oz. All the fenugreek pills, lactation cookies and milk maid tea are paying off. I've ordered a supplement to help with his colic and simply praying for healing. I am simply focusing on TODAY and the challenges that may come my way.
I love being a mother and it's a beautiful gift.....even when you go to your closet and scream your head off. It's reality and we are not crazy. We are mothers who sacrifice so much, go through many challenges and we are striving everyday to give our best.
Last night when I was reading I came across this:
"I'm finally beginning to see how God can turn those boys who leave me worn out, into those boys who will one day change the world" - Praying for Boys
It all makes sense! My goal is for them to grow up to be strong and courageous just like their mama. They will be world changers and one day they will give their wife advice that will cause them to humble themselves.
Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the Lord will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.” (Joshua 10:25 NIV)
If you are reading this and you are tired, worn out, had a mommy tantrum I'm here to tell you YOU CAN OVERCOME! Jesus is your Anchor. Reach out to friends and family, put your pride to the side and let's stop trying to be perfect. God doesn't want your perfection - He wants your imperfections.
Cheers to a blessed week of Motherhood ❤️
